Chapter 1

For as long as I can remember, I know I'm nothing more than a stand-in for my deceased older sister, Jenna Lockwood.

The day before starting elementary school, Mom and Dad take me to buy a backpack.

With a wide smile, Mom asks me, "Blue or red—which one do you want?"

When I choose blue, Mom's expression changes instantly.

She clamps her hands onto my shoulders and screams hysterically at me, "Why didn't you choose red? Jenna would only ever choose red!"

Dad slaps me right across the face when he sees that Mom is having another episode. The blood running from my nose is a glaring, bright red.

From then on, I don't dare to pick anything except the red items Jenna would have liked.

Once, while playing with my classmates, some glue gets stuck in my braid, so my teacher kindly cuts it off for me.

But when Mom comes to pick me up, she completely loses it. "Jenna has long hair. You're not my daughter!"

She shoves me off the back of the bike, and I run after her, crying. It takes me half an hour to get home.

To avoid triggering Mom any further, I begin imitating Jenna in every way.

It's not until after the SATs, and I get named top scorer, that Mom demands I apply to a vocational college near our home.

"Jenna was accepted to this same college back then. You have to go!"

My teacher calls to reason with her, but Mom shuts her down with a few sentences.

"If Jenna hadn't died, Jennifer would never have even been born. She wouldn't have had the chance to be the top scorer at all!"

As I watch her spiral into hysterics, I suddenly feel that everything is meaningless.

Since I have to imitate Jenna in every way, then I have to ensure I meet the same ending she had at 18—death by drowning.

Chapter 1

When the college admission letter arrived, several reporters showed up at our doorstep.

The moment Mom opened the door, numerous boom mics and cameras were shoved toward her.

"Are you the parent of the top scorer Jennifer Lockwood? Is going to college Jennifer's own decision?"

"Don't you think it's unfair to use Jennifer's future to make up for the regret of your late daughter?"

Hearing their questions sent my mother, Christine Hudson, into a frenzy. She shoved the reporters out and slammed the door.

Mom then dragged me to kneel before the memorial space dedicated to my older sister, Jenna Lockwood.

"Jennifer, did you deliberately call those reporters here? You're going to the college Jenna never got the chance to attend, and you still think that's unfair to you?"

As Mom brought the belt down on my back, I bit my lower lip until it bled.

My father, Jacob Lockwood, was so furious that he hurled his teacup. "Did you deliberately cheat your way to becoming the top scorer just to spite us? Jenna would have never done something like this!"

When I heard what Dad said, I felt so hopeless that all I could do was laugh.

In middle school, something finally clicked with my studies. For the first time in my life, I ranked first in the entire school, so I happily brought the news home.

But what greeted me was a brutal beating.

"Jenna always ranked in the middle of the class! How could you get high scores?"

To be like Jenna and avoid provoking my parents, I had deliberately learned how to score lower. But at the most important turning point of my life—the SATs—I decided to give it everything I had.

Unexpectedly, instead of celebrating my achievement, my parents secretly altered my application choices without my consent. Worse still, they also accused me of cheating my way to a high score.

At that moment, I straightened up and talked back to my parents for the first time. "I didn't cheat. Just because Jenna couldn't score well doesn't mean I can't either."

Mom, seemingly never expecting me to answer like that, choked on her saliva. She stood there stunned, then pointed at me and stammered, "You… You…"

Eventually, she chose to lock me inside Jenna's room before rushing to chase after the reporters.

"I'm going to officially report Jennifer for cheating on the SATs!"

As I listened to Mom's righteous voice from outside the door, I laughed until tears filled my eyes.

In the darkness, it felt as though Jenna's memorial portrait was watching me. When I was a child, I was made to kneel before her memorial and reflect on my mistakes. Every time, her portrait would scare me to tears.

Now, I just stared straight into Jenna's eyes and spoke softly.

"I really envy you. You've been gone for over 20 years, but Mom and Dad still love you this much. If I died, would they love me like that too?"

Jenna's portrait remained silent, only showing her carefree smile.

Whenever Jenna smiled, a deep dimple appeared on her right cheek. I didn't have one, which was why Mom never allowed me to smile in front of her.

Jenna had been an energetic person, and she always loved running outside to play when she had free time. To force me to spend more time outdoors, Mom tore up my books and snapped my paintbrushes in half. I wouldn't be allowed home until it was completely dark.

Even for birthdays, I could only celebrate Jenna's birthday. The cake was always the mango-flavored one she had loved when she was alive—even though I was allergic to mangoes.

When it was time to blow out the candles, Jenna's portrait was always placed right across from me. The only wish I was allowed to make was for Jenna to be happy and at peace wherever she was.

After 18 years of being Jenna's replacement, I no longer even knew who I truly was. What was the point of wondering if my parents could ever love me?

I had no idea how long I sat there in the darkness before the door was finally pushed open. Dad stood in the doorway, looking weary.

"Jennifer, go apologize to your mother."

Chapter 2

"Ever since Jenna's passing, your mother's mental state has been unstable. She's getting older, so you need to be more understanding," Dad said.

I didn't argue further. I just walked out, completely numb.

Then, just like countless times before, I opened my mouth to say, "Mom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked back to you. I shouldn't have gotten such a high score without your permission."

Mom turned around to look at me, but her eyes weren't focused. She was having another episode, one where she would mistake me for Jenna.

"Oh, my dear Jenna, what are you talking about? Come eat. I made all your favorite dishes."

Mom led me to the dining table and began to pile food onto my plate nonstop. This was treatment I could never have received when she was lucid.

Most of the time, I could only sit in the seat farthest from the dishes, while my parents would sit on either side of Jenna's framed photo.

The only chicken drumstick on the table, the most tender piece of meat, and even the sweetest bite of watermelon—all of it was always reserved for Jenna. I only got to eat these things when Mom was confused.

After dinner, Mom led me to Jenna's room again. This time, she had me lie down on Jenna's soft, big bed.

Once she had carefully tucked the blanket around me, she sat beside the bed and gently patted my back over and over.

"Have a good sleep. I'll be right here with you," she soothed.

I heard that this was a habit Jenna had when she was a child. She was afraid of the dark and couldn't fall asleep by herself, so every night, she needed Mom to stay with her until she fell asleep.

Once, when I was six, I was too scared to sleep because of the thunder outside. I hugged my pillow and ran to Jenna's room looking for Mom, but she frantically shoved me out the front door.

"You're so young, yet you're already trying to compete with Jenna for my attention. I don't need a daughter as selfish as you!"

I cried myself hoarse that night, yet Mom didn't let me back in until dawn.

Now, as I experienced the rare moment of motherly love, I quietly counted down inside my head.

Five… Four… Three… Two… The moment I reached one, the confusion in Mom's eyes cleared.

A venomous look replaced the loving gaze that had been there seconds ago.

"Why are you in Jenna's bed? Must you also take over the last bit of space she has left in this world? Get out!"

Mom yanked me off the bed, and with practiced ease, I slipped out of the room before she could hit me. I went back to my bedroom, which was actually a converted storage room.

Compared to Jenna's warm and cozy room, mine was awfully shabby. It never got sunlight all year round, and the cold, damp air always made my eczema flare up.

Back then, when the itching got too unbearable, I'd beg my parents to move to a bigger house. I told them I wouldn't fight Jenna for the bigger room, and that all I wanted was a bedroom that could get some sunlight.

After all, it wasn't like we couldn't afford it.

But Dad just slapped me across the face, while Mom became so furious that even her finger pointing at me was shaking.

"This is the only place Jenna ever lived. If we move, she won't be able to find her way home! How can you be this selfish?" she screeched.

I could only retreat to that cramped, narrow storage room.

In fact, this storage room didn't even fully belong to me. Two-thirds of the space was occupied by Jenna's belongings—her old electronic keyboard, the dolls she used to play with, the ice skates she once wore…

Despite the dust that had long settled over these items, I still didn't have the right to touch them. The only reason was that they "still carried" Jenna's scent, and I couldn't be allowed to erase those traces.

After calming Mom down, Dad finally stepped into my room in what was a rare occurrence.

"The College Board looked into things. You didn't cheat. We had mistakenly accused you."

I didn't respond and just looked at him quietly.

Dad continued, "Jennifer, Jenna died the day before she was supposed to start college. That has been the greatest pain your mother has carried throughout her life.

"Even if you are the top scorer, you still have to attend the college we picked. This is your fate. You have to accept it."

Hidden in the darkness, I let out a quiet laugh. "I'll accept it."

As I watched Dad walk away with a satisfied look on his face, I quietly finished the rest of the sentence in my mind.

"I'll also follow Jenna's fate and drown the day before college starts."

Chapter 3

To celebrate Jenna's "new beginning", my parents decided to hold a grand college send-off party for "her".

And I had to attend as her stand-in.

Mom took it very seriously. She even specially found me clothes in the styles Jenna used to love wearing.

The styles from 20 years ago were long outdated. Just like before, Mom had collected them from thrift stores and from relatives and friends.

Some had stretched-out collars, while others had sleeves coming apart at the seams. All of them carried a lingering musty smell that refused to go away.

When I was a child, I was forced to wear them to school. Naturally, all my classmates mocked me behind my back.

But now, I calmly put them on.

As soon as she saw me wearing those clothes, Mom's eyes suddenly turned red-rimmed. I knew she was seeing Jenna through me again. That loving gaze had never truly been directed at me.

"Don't smile too much at the party, but make sure you're polite and sweet.

"Jenna was closest to Uncle Rupert and Aunt Bella when she was alive. Make sure you spend more time conversing with them."

Mom went over every single detail one by one, as if she was afraid I would make a mistake. Because if I failed to resemble Jenna, they'd all be forced to wake up from their fantasy.

What Mom didn't know was that, after 18 years of imitating Jenna, her habits and mannerisms had already become a part of me. I had long understood what kind of person Jenna truly was, even better than Mom did.

…

On the day of the party, every relative and friend who arrived had the same reaction when they saw me.

"Jennifer really looks so much like Jenna…"

"20 years really do pass by quickly. Back then, Jenna was wearing clothes just like that, greeting me and showing me in."

"Exactly. Just like Jenna, she's quick-witted and a sweet-talker. She's already given one toast after another."

Everyone was remembering Jenna through me. Since I was a child, it had always been like this whenever we met.

"Jennifer likes red too? She even wore her hair in the same braids as Jenna's."

"Jennifer also has the same personality as Jenna. She can't sit still, like she has ants in her pants. She's always eager to run outside and play."

In the beginning, I would silently disagree with them.

"No, I'm nothing like Jenna. I don't like red. I don't like keeping my hair long either. I only want to stay home, quietly reading and drawing. I don't want to go outside and play."

As the years went on, I began to grow confused after imitating Jenna for such a long time.

What color was I supposed to like? What kind of dishes did I like?

If Jenna had never existed, if I had been my parents' first child from the very beginning… What would my name have been?

Suddenly, a young man's voice called out to me from behind. "JJ!"

I turned around, shocked.

It was my cousin and my aunt Bella Hudson's son, Zachary Shaffer. He was three years older than me and the only person here who had never known Jenna. He was also the only one who never called me "Jennifer".

He always insisted on calling me "JJ".

Ever since he left for a distant college three years ago, we hadn't seen each other.

"Long time no see, JJ," Zachary greeted me. He reached out and gently ruffled my hair, just like he used to when we were kids.

Then he handed me a gift box. "This is a graduation gift for you."

I took it from him in a daze and opened it. Inside was a full set of expensive art supplies.

Zachary scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "I remember you loved drawing when we were kids. I wasn't sure if you had any use for these."

He also pulled out another gift bag for me. "My mom picked these out for you. You're going off to college, so she picked out two outfits suitable for a young lady your age. She hopes you'll like them."

I looked inside the bag, which contained a pale blue dress and a white short-sleeved shirt. It wasn't anything extravagant, but my eyes immediately started to well up with tears.

The smile on my face was still the one that belonged to Jenna.

What would "Jennifer" say right now? What would she do? I couldn't remember at all.

It turned out I didn't need to wait until the day before college started to drown myself—the real Jennifer had died long before Jenna had.

The person I was now was nothing more than a lousy imitation of Jenna.

Chapter 4

I stood there frozen, like a robot that had malfunctioned.

When I didn't say anything, Zachary began to panic. "What's wrong? Do you not like them?"

He looked at me, then quietly stole a glance in the direction of Aunt Bella, saying, "If you don't like them, we can go swap them for styles you do like once the party wraps up."

I sniffed, smiled, and shook my head at him. "No, I really like them. Thank you."

When Zachary noticed the redness around the corners of my eyes, he let out a sigh.

"JJ, I heard about your situation from my mom."

He patted my shoulder. "Aunt Christine's mental state isn't stable. You've had to put up with a lot just to accommodate her.

"Once you start college, focus on getting good grades. You can consider applying for graduate school in your third year. You still have your whole life ahead of you. I believe your future will be a good one."

Hearing Zachary's words, I could barely keep the smile on my face.

Could I really still have a future? Could I really leave "Jenna" behind and live on simply as "Jennifer"?

That evening, I got my answer.

…

As soon as we got home, Mom took the art supplies Zachary had given me and threw them straight out the window.

The paints splattered all over the ground, resembling the brilliant bloodstains of a person who had fallen to their death.

I rushed to the window, but before I could even process things, Mom pulled the clothes out of the gift bag.

The lighter's flame flickered to life, illuminating Mom's twisted expression.

"Who gave you permission to accept these things? Jenna would never own things like these. What exactly are you trying to say by bringing them home?"

Upon thinking back to what Zachary had said, I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Jenna is already dead! She's dead! I'm Jennifer! I'm a living, breathing human being! I have my own preferences, and I have my own life to live!

"Jenna died at 18, and I've imitated her for 18 years! Isn't that enough?"

The answer I received was a harsh slap to the face. I was knocked to the ground, and my back crashed against the memorial.

Jenna's portrait fell with a sharp crack, her dark eyes staring at me without blinking.

Mom pointed at me, shaking with rage. "How dare you… How dare you!

"If Jenna hadn't died, you would have never come into this world! What right do you have to take away the future my daughter never got to experience?"

Even though I had long known that Mom didn't love me, hearing those words blurted out still broke something inside me.

I lay sprawled on the ground, facing upward. My palm had been cut open by the broken glass from Jenna's portrait frame, and blood seeped out.

Mom sank to her knees, crying as she reached out and picked up Jenna's portrait. "My Jenna… My baby Jenna… Does it hurt? I'll move you somewhere else."

Carrying Jenna's portrait, Mom walked right past me. Not once did she spare me another glance.

Dad grabbed his coat and hurried after Mom. Soon, I heard the front door slam shut.

I slowly closed my eyes and apologized to Zachary in my heart. "I'm sorry, Zachary. I won't get to see the bright future you spoke of."

The hem of the dress Mom had burned was charred black. It now resembled withered petals. I put it on and looked toward the wide-open window.

I suddenly changed my mind in that split second. I no longer wanted to drown as Jenna had.

In the very last moment of my life, I wanted to end it the way "Jennifer" would. This was the only small act of resistance I could carry out.

I climbed onto the window ledge, then looked around the house for the last time.

Without the slightest hesitation, I closed my eyes and fell backward.