Chapter 5

For a moment, I just look at him.

After what happened.

He says it as though we both know I'm guilty.

As though the only question is how much mercy I deserve.

"I came for my things."

"And I let you in."

I fold the cloth again.

The porcelain makes a faint clicking sound.

Dante watches me put it in my bag.

"Rosa can send the rest."

"All right."

He seems irritated by the answer.

"I brought Leo over so you could see him."

I look at our son.

He's playing with the edge of Dante's collar.

"Did you tell him that?"

"He was happy to come."

"That isn't what I asked."

"Lucia."

I stop.

I know that tone.

The warning before he tells me I'm making things difficult.

Leo squirms.

Dante puts him down, and he runs into the house.

For a moment, we're alone.

Dante lowers his voice.

"He doesn't know about the papers. Keep it that way until I decide how to explain."

"You mean until Serena decides."

"Don't start with her again."

I pick up my bag.

He steps into the doorway.

"You really have nothing else to say?"

I think of all the things I've said in this house.

I didn't know him.

I didn't invite him.

Look at the hotel records.

Call the hospital.

Please let me see my son.

"No."

His eyes narrow.

At college, that used to make him smile.

No meant he would bring coffee the next day.

No meant he would wait outside the library and offer to walk me home.

I told him I didn't want a life where people lowered their voices when someone mentioned my husband.

He said I already knew his family.

I told him that was why I was afraid.

He promised I would have my own work.

My own friends.

A front door I could walk through whenever I wanted.

By graduation, I wanted to believe him.

Then came the party.

Someone telling me he wasn't feeling well.

A room upstairs.

A night I remembered only in pieces.

When I found out I was pregnant, he looked at me as though he had finally solved something.

His father wanted a wedding.

Dante wanted someone to blame.

I spent four years trying to prove I hadn't trapped him.

I gave up my work for a while because Leo needed me.

When I wanted to return, Serena found reasons my access to the family accounts should be limited.

When I took a job elsewhere, the second hotel happened during a work trip.

There was always another door closing.

Another person explaining why it was my fault.

Dante moves aside.

I walk past him.

In the living room, Serena is crouched in front of Leo.

She wipes his face with a tissue.

"There. Better?"

He nods.

Then he sees me.

I keep walking.

"Mommy."

The word nearly stops me.

Nearly.

Serena looks up.

"Lucia, he's trying to talk to you."

I turn.

Leo points at the tissue in her hand.

"You made me cry."

"I know."

"You're supposed to say sorry."

I draw a breath.

Before I can answer, Serena touches his shoulder.

"He's very upset."

I look at her hand.

She can touch him whenever she wants.

She doesn't have to ask a week ahead.

She doesn't have to make every minute count.

"I heard him."

I turn toward the door.

I need a moment outside.

Air.

Enough space to stop shaking before I speak to him again.

Dante follows me into the hall.

"Where are you going?"

"Outside."

"We're not finished."

I put my hand on the door.

My mother is expecting a visit.

She asked me to bring the cardigan she left here.

I didn't find it in the boxes.

I can buy her another one.

I can stop for soup.

For one evening, I can sit beside someone who is glad I came.

"Lucia."

I stop.

"Come back."

I turn.

Leo stands beside Serena.

Dante points toward him.

"You pushed him. You'll apologize."

"I will. I need a minute."

"You don't need a minute."

His voice is low.

The guard near the entrance looks straight ahead.

I remember kneeling on this floor after the first hotel.

Holding Dante's hand while he tried to pull it away.

Begging him not to take Leo.

Serena watched from the stairs.

He looks at the floor in front of our son.

"On your knees. Look him in the eye."

I let go of the door.

"I'll apologize to Leo."

Dante waits.

"But I'm not kneeling for you."