Chapter 3

03.

When I went back to the restaurant for my part-time job in the mascot costume, the burns on my body still hadn't fully healed.

The manager said there was a family in a private room throwing a birthday party for their kid and asked me to go warm up the room.

He gave my shoulder a light pat.

“They've only got one daughter, and they spend big. Do a good job.”

“They'll definitely tip you!”

Inside the heavy costume I nodded hard, holding the props I used for the clowning act.

The moment I pushed the door open, I froze where I stood.

It was Mom and Dad. And my sister.

The prosthetic scar was peeled off her face, tossed carelessly on the table.

“This fake thing is miserable stuck to my face. Once the study-abroad exchange spot comes through, I won't have to keep acting.”

Mom smiled and wiped the marks off her cheek. “Sweetheart, hold on a little longer. After the semester starts, the spot will be locked in.”

Dad pulled out a glittering gold pendant like a magician.

Georgette only glanced at it and gave a little huff.

“I told you I didn't want this design! Why did you still buy this one?”

“Sweetheart, Dad went to every jewelry shop in the city and couldn't find the one you wanted! Next time I'll pay closer attention.”

“And you know, buying the gold pendant came with a free silver bracelet. The quality isn't great, but it'll do fine for your sister.”

Inside the heavy costume, I couldn't tell what was sweat and what was tears.

I stood at the door, holding the tray, still.

The chill spread through my chest, inch by inch, until it was cold all the way through.

It wasn't until a coworker tapped my shoulder.

“What are you standing there for? You don't want to earn money?”

Only then did I come back to myself. I dragged the bulky body over to the table and launched into the silly birthday dance.

I finished it numbly. Georgette clapped and laughed, delighted. “This mascot looks so dumb, it's hilarious.”

Mom stroked her head lovingly.

Dad stood up and came over to me. “Here, take this hundred as a tip. Thanks for the trouble, for making my sweetheart laugh.”

I pinched the hundred in my hand and turned to hurry out of the room.

When I pulled off the head, my face was already soaked.

All these years, it was because of that guilt I felt toward my sister.

I'd handed out flyers on the roadside and hauled bricks at construction sites.

Back then my hands were swollen every day, and I couldn't even hold my chopsticks steady at meals.

The skin on my hands was rubbed raw, callus layered over callus.

Every day I worked myself to the bone to save money.

In the private room, Dad gently cut steak for my sister, bowls and chopsticks clinking softly, laughter everywhere.

The three of them, a family, whole and happy.

Only me, forever shut outside the door.

It wasn't until the shift leader's voice came through the earpiece that I walked back to the staff break room.

I barely made it to the end of my shift, and passing a photo studio.

The next second, among all the photos, I saw a few familiar figures.

In the picture, my sister wore a pale yellow dress, her eyes bright, a puppy in her arms.

Mom and Dad stood on either side of her, holding her close and warm.

The date in the bottom right corner was today.

The longer I looked, the more I laughed out loud.

In that moment, all the heavy guilt I'd carried for years finally emptied out of me, completely.

I took out my phone and called my advisor.

“Professor Chavez, the study-abroad exchange spot I gave up for my sister, can I still reapply for it now?”

On the other end, there were a few seconds of silence.

“In principle, no. But I can ask around for you.”

“Connie, you've finally come to your senses.” Professor Chavez said, delighted.

I held the phone, watching all the different people passing on the street. “Yeah. I've come to my senses.”

04.

Back home, the silver bracelet sat on the table, bright and glaring and mocking all at once.

I looked up and asked quietly, "Did you buy one for my sister too?"

Mom set down what she was doing and cupped my face.

"A nice thing like this, your dad and I couldn't bear to give her. You hold onto it, quick. If she sees it she'll throw a fit again."

Right. You really couldn't bear to hand her a promotional freebie.

Something sour welled up in my chest. I picked up the bracelet, carried it back to my room, and dropped it in the trash.

Early the next morning, I started getting my study-abroad paperwork together.

In among a stack of documents, I found two property deeds.

Something made me open them.

One was for a hundred-and-sixty-eight-square-meter home in Grandview Estates.

The other was for a two-hundred-and-eighty-square-meter storefront at 18 Fifth Avenue.

The sole owner listed on both deeds, written plainly, was my sister's name.

I stared blankly at that line of names, and inside me every last illusion about them went dark.

I still remembered the day we bought the place. Dad had held my hand, laughing, and told me it was my dowry.

My sister forced a smile and congratulated me too.

Looking at her then, guilt had filled my whole heart. I'd meant to hand it over to her once she grew up.

Tucked inside the deeds was a handwritten letter from Dad.

It recorded every single thing about my sister, from the time she was small, including the first time she learned to walk.

The first time she called for Mom and Dad, the first time she fell, her first day of school... on and on.

I turned that letter over and read it a hundred times. Not one word in it mentioned me.

I stared at the screen, my throat sealed shut as if with cement, unable to draw a breath.

Even though I'd thought nothing they did out of favoritism could touch me anymore, seeing this, I couldn't stop the ache.

It felt like a great hole had been chiseled open in my chest, cold wind howling straight through it.

Tomorrow was the final deadline for the exchange spot.

Then a huge burst of shouting came from the living room.

My sister had a knife pressed across her wrist, blood sliding down drop by drop.

"Why does she get to go abroad as an exchange student and I don't!"

Mom's brows knotted, her voice fierce.

"You wretched girl, your sister's always given in to you before, but this time, whatever you say, I will not let you snatch away her exchange spot!"

Dad stared her down.

"Your sister has a bright future ahead of her. There's no way I'll let you ruin it!"

The blood spread into a small pool.

They told me not to pay it any mind, gently taking hold of my hand.

"I won't! If I can't be the exchange student, I'll die right here in front of you!"

Watching the whole performance, it suddenly struck me how absurd it all was.

"The medicine's in the cabinet. When you have time, take her to see a psychiatrist more often."

There wasn't a flicker in my voice.

"Oh, my sweet girl, you really don't have to give it up to her!"

"She just needs a good straightening out!"

It took the whole family a beat to catch up, and then they all turned to look at me at once.

"What did you say?"

I smiled and said softly,

"This time, the spot abroad, I don't think I'll be giving it up."