Chapter 1

I picked up a tiny, injured black snake and took care of him for three whole months.

Yet, I always felt like something was deeply off.

Because whenever I opened my phone's camera, no matter where he was in the apartment, he would accurately glide into the lens the exact split-second before I hit the shutter button.

Just as I was puzzling over it, floating live comments suddenly flashed before my eyes:

[LMAO, does this cubicle-slave bottom even know who he picked up?]

[It's only because the snake is still injured and hasn't fully recovered that he can't do that yet, otherwise cutie, you'd be devoured on the spot!]

[This scheming snake is so terrified of losing his wifey that he's pretending to be an innocent noodle. Who gets it?!]

[I can't! Look at how harmless this bottom looks. Hasn't he ever heard 'never pick up stray snakes on the roadside'?!]

1

Three months ago, I found a tiny, dying black snake curling beside a soggy drainage ditch.

It was filthy, wet, and cold.

Multiple wounds covered its dark body, leaving it so weak it didn't even have the strength to slither away when I approached.

It looked so helpless.

I swallowed my fear, gathered my courage, and gently scooped it up into my hands.

On the way to the exotic vet clinic, I drove with one hand while whispering words of comfort to calm it down, telling it I was going to help, not hurt it.

I don't know if it actually understood human speech, but it rested its small triangular head right between my thighs and rubbed against me obediently.

To heal it, I spent half a month's paycheck at the vet.

I even gave up half of my gaming room, setting up a large, climate-controlled terrarium so I could monitor its recovery around the clock.

2

Lately, though, something bizarre kept happening. Something impossible to ignore.

Whenever I pulled out my phone, the little snake would glide into the camera frame the exact split-second before I pressed the shutter.

Every single time.

Without exception.

It didn't matter if I was trying to snapshot a newly opened flower on my balcony or photograph a meal I spent hours cooking.

I scrolled back through my photo album from the past three months. Out of seven hundred pictures, there wasn't a single photo without his dark, shimmering scales somewhere in the corner!

It was creeping me out.

3

I stared at the little snake resting peacefully inside the glass box.

If it was a coincidence, how could he be in nearly a thousand photos?

But if it was his own deliberate choice... wasn't that completely unscientific?

I let out a long sigh.

Time for one final test. Just in case I was overthinking things.

I grabbed my phone, crept out of the room, and stealthily opened the camera app in the living room.

The next second, I heard a soft slithering sound on the floorboards.

Before I could blink, a cool, dark weight glided up my shoulder.

Click.

I checked the new photo. Black scales dominated the center of the screen.

I looked at the photo, then turned my head to look at him.

My skin went numb.

Before I could even process what was happening, the culprit slithered down to wrap around my wrist, gazing at me with wide, innocent eyes.

His black tail wagged softly back and forth like a happy golden retriever.

"Little noodle?"

I gently poked his head.

He flicked his dark, parted tongue, softly licking my fingertip before wrapping his tail tighter around my palm.

I stroked his smooth head, intending to put him back in his box, but he clung to my arm and refused to let go.

I never knew a snake could be this needy.

During the first few days when I applied ointment to his wounds, I had worried he might bite me once he healed.

Now, instead of fangs, I saw his soft tongue almost every hour of the day.

4

The next evening, I brought this up over drinks with my best friend, Cody.

Cody listened with absolute skepticism.

"Give it a break, Jonah," Cody chuckled, taking a sip of beer. "It's a reptile. How big is a snake's brain anyway? Photobombing you? You've been working too many late shifts, man."

His dismissive tone made me defensive. "Why would I make this up? Come to my apartment and see for yourself if you don't believe me!"

Cody possessed a deep, visceral terror of cold-blooded creatures.

He flinched instantly. "Hell no! Just imagining a snake living in your apartment gives me goosebumps!"

He rubbed his arms, looking genuinely unsettled.

The day I picked up the snake, I had texted him a picture. Cody almost threw his phone across the room and sent five sixty-second voice messages warning me never to send snake pictures again.

"Look, I asked you out so you could help me figure out what to do," I muttered.

"What is there to figure out?" Cody shrugged. "Keep feeding him. So what if he likes the camera? Storage space is cheap."

"Doesn't it strike you as unnatural?"

"Every pet has weird quirks. Besides, you're the one who picked him up. You've gotta take responsibility. Unless you release him into the wild so I can finally come over to play video games again."

I opened my mouth to argue, but my hand caught the edge of my beer glass, knocking it over.

Liquor splashed across my hands, shirt, and the leather couch.

I stood up hastily, calling the waiter over to clean up the mess.

Cody slid over on the booth couch to make room for me, handing me a stack of napkins.

"Relax, bro. I'm just joking. Don't go dumping him because of me." Cody paused, tapping his chin. "If it really creeps you out, put him up for adoption online. Plenty of reptile enthusiasts out there."

5

When I got home, I showered, washed my ruined clothes, and prepared for an early night.

My mind kept spinning with thoughts of what to do with the snake, keeping sleep at bay.

In the dark room, I heard a faint rustling noise.

I opened my eyes.

The little black snake was resting right on my pillow, inches from my face.

I startled, sitting up. His dark, vertical slit pupils stared back at me silently.

"No way, buddy. Sleeping together is dangerous. Back to your tank."

He didn't budge.

I sighed, picking him up gently and placing him back inside his terrarium.

After locking the glass latch, I pulled out my phone and drafted an adoption post on a pet forum. I uploaded several high-resolution photos showcasing his glossy scales from different angles.

Hopefully, I could find him a dedicated owner.

6

The next morning, I woke up to find the snake curled up right beside my head again.

How did he get out? I knew for a fact I had locked both his tank and my bedroom door!

Seeing me awake, he slowly slithered onto my palm.

Was he... nudging me?

I rubbed my tired eyes, hesitating before extending my hand to stroke his smooth head.

He pressed his head eagerly against my palm, begging for affection.

"Alright, alright. Why are you so clingy today?"

He maneuvered smoothly, gliding beneath the hem of my pajama shirt and coiling his cool body right over my collarbone.

The cool sensation tickled terribly. I reached up to lift him out.

Snap!

A sharp pain bit into the skin between my thumb and index finger.

I gasped, pulling my hand back.

He had bitten me! He had never bitten me before, not even when I cleaned his open wounds!

I rubbed the tiny puncture mark, disinfected it in the bathroom, and placed him firmly back in his enclosure.

I had only meant to foster him until his injuries healed. Now that he was starting to bite, it was definitely time to rehome him.

As I brushed my teeth, my phone buzzed on the counter.

I hit speakerphone. "Hello?"

A man's voice answered quickly. "Hey man! Is that black king snake on your post still available? I want him."

"Oh, you want to adopt?"

"Yeah! My girlfriend loves reptiles. I saw your local post and thought I'd check. He looks awesome in those pictures. Is there anything wrong with him?"

Before I could answer, a familiar cool sensation wrapped around my ankle.

I looked down. The little black snake was slithering up my leg with terrifying speed.

Panicking, I reached down to grab him.

In that exact split second, floating bright text flashed across my vision!

[LOL, this office bottom has no idea who he picked up! The snake smelled another man's beer on him last night and was already furious, and now he's trying to give him away!]

[Host is completely stunned! A glass tank can't hold a shifter!]

[Getting caught trying to rehome your shifter boyfriend is peak awkwardness.]

My brain went completely numb as the snake coiled around my waist.

What? Host? Bottom? Are they talking about me?!

I'm completely straight! And there is no way I'm a bottom!

While my mind spiraled in chaos, more glowing comments flooded my vision like a live stream chat:

[Wait, he slithered up right as host tried to grab him... won't he misinterpret that?]

[Definitely! It's a good thing his internal core hasn't fully healed, otherwise host would be devoured right here on the bathroom floor!]

[This snake is so manipulative, pretending to be an innocent noodle!]

[Does host even know who this shifter is? Never pick up random snakes off the street!]

[That's main character luck for you. Normal people don't drag wild vipers home!]

I turned my head slightly.

The small black snake extended his dark tongue, gently licking the side of my throat.

The caller's impatient voice came through the speaker. "Bro? You still there?"

"He's... he's gone! Adopted already! Sorry!" I blurted out.

"Are you kidding me? You said he was available a second ago! What a freak!"

The caller began cursing, but the little snake flicked his tail tip, hitting the red disconnect button on my screen.

If my eyes weren't playing tricks on me, the snake actually rolled his eyes at the phone!

The floating text exploded again:

[Side note: When he finally speaks, will he call host 'Master' or 'Husband' first?]

[Ahhh, I'm impatient! When is he shifting into human form?!]

[Soon! Beast shifters heal ridiculously fast. Give him a couple more days!]

[Wait, look at where he's rubbing!]

Rubbing?

I stared at the floating comments, utterly lost, feeling his cool weight squirming against my hips.

When realization hit me, I reached down nervously, trying to pry his tail away from a certain sensitive area.

He dodged my hand with unbelievable agility, slithering out of my shirt, darting straight into the gaming room, and slamming the door shut.

The lock clicked from the inside!

[He coiled up in the corner like a dark little lump of anger!]

[Can you blame him? Host almost gave him away!]

I stood frozen in the hallway, completely speechless.