Chapter 1

At my grandmother’s eightieth birthday banquet, my hands trembled from a severe somatic depression flare-up, and I knocked over a teacup. My own mother slapped me across the face, her eyes filled with disgust.

“You ill-mannered brat, how dare you bring bad luck on a day like this?”

The room full of relatives snickered, watching the spectacle. My aunt, my father’s sister, remarked sarcastically, “Honey, don’t be mad. She’s mentally ill, you know. Clumsy hands are normal.”

I felt icy all over, trembling as I fumbled in my purse for my diagnosis paper, trying to explain. But my father snatched it, tearing it to shreds, then grabbed my hair and dragged me towards the balcony.

“Are you addicted to faking illness? Go to the balcony and reflect. You’re not allowed back in until you can smile!”

The biting wind howled. The seventeenth-floor balcony had no enclosed windows. I watched the joyous sounds of clinking glasses from inside, saw them take a heartwarming family photo that conspicuously left me out.

This time, I really smiled.

I swung myself over the railing. Before my body completely lost its balance, I dialed 911.

“Officer, I’ve committed a murder. I’ve killed myself. The culprits are right here in the room.”

My phone plummeted with my body. With a sickening thud, my head burst open on the concrete below. The banquet’s merriment ceased.

…

1

At Grandma Eleanor’s eightieth birthday banquet, the private room was stiflingly hot from the heating. I huddled in a corner, my heart clutched tight, each beat a sharp stab of pain. It was a somatic symptom of my severe depression. I wanted to throw up, to run away, to find a place where I could cry my heart out alone.

“Alice, are you just going to stand there like a statue? Go raise a toast to your Uncle Robert!”

My mother’s sharp voice cut through the air. Her eyes pierced me with a look of utter disappointment. I swallowed hard, suppressing the nausea, and shakily picked up a glass.

“Well, look at those hands shaking like she has Parkinson’s. Alice, are you still half-asleep?” My Aunt Carol, Robert’s wife, quipped, cracking a pecan, her eyes full of mockery.

The surrounding relatives roared with laughter.

“College kids, so delicate.”

“I think she’s just spoiled. Probably had it easy at home.”

I clenched my jaw, trying to control my trembling hands, but my body refused to obey.

“Smash!”

A crisp sound. The glass slipped from my grasp, shattering on the floor, wine splashing onto Uncle Robert’s pant leg.

The room fell silent. All eyes converged on me.

“Alice!”

My father, David, slammed his hand on the table and rose to his feet. He strode towards me, raised his hand, and slapped me hard across the face.

“Crack!”

My cheek burned, my ears rang. I staggered back a few steps, bumping into a chair behind me.

“You good-for-nothing! You can’t even manage a simple toast. What can you do?”

I clutched my face, tears welling in my eyes, but I dared not let them fall. Because they had told me that crying was bad luck, crying was an embarrassment to the family.

“I… I’m sorry…” I mumbled, my voice barely a whisper, head bowed.

“What’s the good of ‘sorry’? Look at your dismal face. Today is Grandma’s big day; are you deliberately trying to upset her?” My mother, Eleanor, rushed over, pointing her finger at my nose and scolding me mercilessly. “How could I have given birth to such a burden? Look at your cousin, Clara, so well-behaved and thoughtful. And look at you, always wearing that gloomy face. Who are you putting on a show for?”

Clara was my cousin, Uncle Robert’s daughter. At that moment, she was nestled beside Grandma Eleanor, smiling brightly, clutching a crisp dollar bill from a freshly received gift. Hearing my mother’s words, she raised an eyebrow, feigning surprise as she looked at me.

“Oh, Aunt Eleanor, don’t blame Alice too much. Maybe she’s just not feeling well. After all, Alice usually doesn’t talk much. It’s normal for her to be a bit withdrawn.”

“Withdrawn? I say she’s just being dramatic!” Aunt Carol interjected, her tone dripping with sarcasm. “These kids nowadays, always claiming to be depressed. Really, they’re just lazy, just trying to shirk responsibility.”

My heart felt as if something had violently stabbed it, bleeding profusely. My trembling hand reached into my purse and found the crumpled diagnosis paper. It was the result of a secret check-up I’d had last week. Severe depression, accompanied by severe anxiety, with an urgent recommendation for inpatient treatment.

I wanted to tell them, I wasn’t being dramatic, I wasn’t lazy, I was truly sick. I pulled out the paper.

“Dad, Mom, I’m not faking it. I really am…”

“Rip—”

Before I could finish, my father snatched the diagnosis paper, not even glancing at it, and tore it to shreds. “Don’t try to fool me with this garbage! Last time it was a stomachache, this time it’s depression. Next time, will it be cancer?”

My father violently threw the paper shreds at my face. “Alice Hayes, I’m telling you, today you will be happy! If you dare to ruin your grandmother’s mood, I’ll break your legs!”

My vision blurred. The paper shreds landed on my hair, on my shoulders, like a death sentence pronounced on my life. It turned out that, in their eyes, my life was less important than their public image.

“To the balcony! You’re not coming back in until you can smile!” My father grabbed my collar, dragging me towards the balcony like a dead dog.

2

The balcony door slammed shut, locked. The biting wind howled, rushing into my collar, stripping away the last of my body heat. This was the seventeenth floor. The hotel balcony was semi-open, with only a railing less than three feet high. I leaned over the railing, looking at the traffic below. Inside, the sounds of clinking glasses and laughter drifted through the glass door.

“Come on, let’s keep drinking, don’t mind that crazy girl.”

“Exactly, these kids just need discipline. A couple of missed meals will fix her.”

“Clara, darling, sing a song for Grandma. Grandma loves your singing most.”

They laughed so happily. It was as if the person who had just been humiliated and scolded by them didn’t even exist. The glass door reflected their joyous figures. My father, all smiles, toasted my uncle. My mother was holding Clara’s hand, complimenting her beautiful dress.

What a perfect family photo. If you didn’t count me.

My heart stopped its frantic pounding, slowly calming. That calm was like the surface of the ocean before a storm, unfathomably deep.

I pulled out my phone. On the screen was a photo of me with my parents. It was taken five years ago when I got into a prestigious high school. Back then, they smiled with such pride, loving me so much.

When did it start to change? Was it when my grades slipped? Or when I became quiet and withdrawn? Or perhaps, when they started to see me as a burden?

I opened my contacts, my finger hovering over “Dad” for a long time, but ultimately sliding past it. There was no need. No one would answer, and if they did, it would just be another torrent of abuse.

I dialed the number I’d only ever seen on TV. 911.

“Hello, this is 911 emergency. How can I help you?”

I looked down at the hard concrete pavement below, a stiff smile tugging at the corner of my lips. “Officer, I need to report a crime.”

The person on the other end clearly paused, their voice becoming urgent. “Please calm down! Can you tell me what happened? What is your exact location?”

“Seventeenth floor of the Imperial Hotel, in the Magnolia Ballroom.” I took a deep breath. “I’ve committed a murder.”

The operator on the other end was visibly taken aback, their tone growing more urgent. “Ma’am, please calm down! Who is the victim? What’s the situation at the scene?”

“The victim is myself.”

I looked through the glass door at my mother, who was cutting the cake for Grandma. She looked so beautiful when she smiled, much more beautiful than when she smiled at me.

“The culprits are inside the room. They’re eating cake, celebrating their glamorous lives.”

“Hello? Hello! Ma’am, please don’t do anything rash! Whatever you’re going through, it can be resolved! Please listen to me…” The police officer’s anxious shouts sounded so faint in the cold wind.

I hung up the phone. I took one last look at this world. The gloomy sky, so oppressive it stole your breath. Just like my past twenty years.

“Alice! Are you dead out there?! If you’re going to jump, just jump! Don’t stand there trying to scare people!”

Through the glass door, my father saw me standing by the railing, pointing and yelling. His face was flushed with drink, his eyes full of contempt. My mother also looked over, frowning, mouthing for me to come inside.

I smiled. This time, it was a genuine smile.

“Dad, Mom, as you wish, I’ll never embarrass you again.”

I swung myself over the railing.

In the moment my body lost balance, I felt no fear. Instead, there was an unprecedented sense of liberation. The wind roared in my ears. From the seventeenth floor, the fall would only take a few seconds.

“Thud!”

Excruciating pain, followed by endless darkness. The world, finally, was quiet.

3

I thought I would simply vanish. But I didn’t. I floated in mid-air, looking at my own body, shattered on the ground. Blood spread across the pale concrete like blooming scarlet lilies, a horrific sight. The Alice who had worked so hard for praise but never received it, the Alice who had lived so cautiously, walking on eggshells, was finally dead.

A crowd quickly gathered downstairs. Screams and gasps erupted one after another.

“Someone jumped!”

“Oh my God, it’s a young girl!”

“Call an ambulance! Call the police!”

I watched silently, my heart devoid of any ripple.

Upstairs, in the ballroom, the festivities continued. The soundproofing was truly excellent. So good that even the sound of a human life ending was completely shut out.

Until the hotel manager frantically burst into the Magnolia Ballroom, his face ashen, shouting.

“It’s terrible! That young lady… she jumped!”

In that instant, the air in the ballroom froze. Aunt Carol’s pecan fell from her mouth. Grandma Eleanor’s birthday cake rolled to the side. My mother’s hand, which had been cutting the cake, jolted, the sharp knife slicing her finger.

“What did you say?” My father paused for a few seconds, then sneered. “Jumped? That useless girl has the guts for that? She’s probably just hiding somewhere trying to scare people! Manager, don’t let her fool you, she’s a master actress!”

The manager was sweating profusely, pointing frantically out the window. “It’s true! She’s right below! Her brains… her brains are splattered out!”

“I don’t believe it!” My father shoved the manager aside and rushed towards the balcony. He leaned over the railing to look down. With just one glance, his body seemed to deflate, collapsing to the floor. “How… how could it be…”

My mother also rushed over. When she saw that blinding red puddle below, she let out a gut-wrenching scream. “Ah!!!”

She hammered frantically on the glass door, trying to rush downstairs, but Uncle Robert and Aunt Carol held her back tightly.

“Don’t look! Don’t look! Calm down, Eleanor!”

“Let go of me! That’s Alice! That’s my Alice!”

My mother cried hysterically, her makeup completely smeared, looking utterly disheveled. Just minutes before, she had been pointing her finger at me, calling me a burden. Now I was dead, the debt cleared, so why was she still crying? Such hypocrisy.

“I told you that girl had problems!” Aunt Carol patted her chest, a look of profound relief on her face. “Today is Mom’s birthday, and she had to choose this time to die. Isn’t that just asking for bad luck? What a jinx, can’t even rest in peace after death!”

Clara huddled in Grandma Eleanor’s arms, covering her eyes, afraid to look. “Grandma, I’m scared…”

Grandma Eleanor’s face was ashen. She slammed her rosary beads onto the floor. “What a sin! How could our respectable Hayes family produce such a disloyal wretch!”

You see? Even in death, in their eyes, I was still a disloyal wretch, a jinx.

No one asked why I jumped. No one cared if I was in pain. They only cared that my death had ruined their mood and disgraced them.

The police arrived swiftly. The piercing wail of sirens cut through the city air, and through the last shred of dignity for the Hayes family.