Chapter 1

From the day I was diagnosed with postpartum depression,

every single day, Felix was guarding against the chance I'd kill myself.

The piano at home gathered dust; a soundproof door was added to the nursery.

The rooms were papered over with words meant to encourage me.

No matter how hard the baby cried,

Felix would always go to me first, to the wreck of me.

"Don't be afraid. I'll stay with you, and little by little you'll get better."

Then, with the baby's first-birthday party coming up, Felix was busy going to taste the dishes.

To set my mind at ease, he divided out my pills for me as usual.

I had just peeled off the sticky note on the medicine that read "You can do this,"

when new words surfaced on the paper.

【My whole life, Felix Sanchez's life, has been ruined in your hands.】

The "Be happy every day" on the dish saucer became:

【Let me go. Why didn't you just die on that operating table?】

The "I'm here for you" on the fridge became:

【Jade Henson's back in the country. When she was lying in my arms, I kept wondering why my wife isn't her.】

And last, the "Stay with the treatment" on the medicine box became:

【I don't regret switching your pills for her.】

The tears on my face had already gone cold.

I stumbled downstairs,

took a taxi to the banquet hall.

Inside, the two of them, tasting dishes close together, froze in an instant.

I stood there and looked at them.

"Best friend of mine, you're back in the country? Why didn't you tell me ahead of time?"

...

Jade's hand went slack, and her chopsticks clattered to the floor.

Felix bent down on reflex to pick them up, then halfway down realized how wrong that looked.

He straightened without a trace of hurry.

"Nellie Ellison, what are you doing here?"

Jade finally snapped out of it and let out a couple of laughs.

"Right, if I'd known you were coming, I wouldn't have rushed straight over from the airport to help. I didn't even have a second to message you."

"Honestly, Felix is something else. He felt bad for you and wanted you resting at home, so he dragged me in here to work for free."

"Is that so?" I looked at the two of them, and at the table full of dishes.

"Yesterday you posted that you were flying to Los Angeles today."

One of them told me ahead of time he had a business trip to Los Angeles,

the other thoughtfully reported she was tasting the dishes alone today.

All of it lies.

Why were they so confident I'd never find out?

A staff member came out carrying a big platter of fish,

and the moment she saw me, she smiled on reflex.

"You must be a good friend of Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez? Mrs. Sanchez was just worrying about the tasting a minute ago. Good thing you're here."

"If you don't know how to talk, then don't!"

Felix, who always gave people a smile first, went completely dark in the face.

He told the staff member to set down the plate and leave, fast.

Then he turned his head to check my expression.

He was afraid I'd have an episode, afraid I'd make a scene at the venue.

But the arm he'd half-raised on reflex in front of Jade told me

he was more afraid I'd hurt her.

Because of the postpartum depression, I quit my job. I hadn't set foot outside in a whole year,

and Felix handled everything in my place.

On so many late nights I cried,

believing I was no longer the Nellie he'd been proud of.

Yet the one who never stopped encouraging me was still him.

He said I was the person he loved most, so even if it was the baby's first-birthday party, it was fine if I wasn't there,

that all of it was for the sake of my health.

I picked up the run-of-show sheet from the table.

At the top was a passage for the baby's father to speak.

It felt like all the air around me had been wrung out.

"Thank you to my wife, standing by my side at this moment. Without you, there would be no Felix Sanchez as I am today, and no healthy baby today. Thank you for giving me the love I once wanted most."

I read it out, word by word.

By the last word, my cheeks felt strange, almost itching.

I brushed at them without thinking. It was tears.

My tear-cupped palm was shaking, and I couldn't quite breathe.

Felix took the run-of-show sheet away.

"Nellie, breathe deep, just calm down first……"

The dishes on the table were the ones Jade loved.

The flowers on the floor were her favorite, fairy's kiss lilies.

While I was on antidepressants, losing hair in fistfuls,

while I looked at the balcony and wanted to jump,

Jade had simply, as a matter of course, taken her place at Felix's side.

"Nellie, you really have this all wrong."

Jade stepped forward, trying to take my hand.

I yanked away hard and swung my hand back across her face.

"Crack!"

Except that slap never landed on her cheek.