Chapter 2

Half of Felix's face had gone red.

"Ah! Are you okay?"

Jade panicked, pulling out a handkerchief and pressing it to his cheek.

I noticed that handkerchief. It was Felix's.

Jade never carried so much as a tissue when she went out.

A handkerchief was beneath her.

The reason I recognized it was that it had started as a sample from a collaboration between my company and Boston.

Felix and I had gotten one each.

During the stretch when my postpartum depression triggered acid reflux,

he'd used this handkerchief to wipe away my tears.

"Don't be afraid, Nellie. I'll be with you always."

I was shivering, cold all over, and yet suddenly I laughed.

Seeing it, the people around me drew back, none of them daring to come closer.

I picked up a potted plant beside me and smashed it down at their feet.

Felix pulled Jade back, away from me.

Then I stamped down on those pink bouquets, one after another,

until they bled out their juice.

Inside every bunch of flowers was a little note that said "I love you."

Felix would stay by my side no matter what,

would dote on me.

But he rarely said he loved me.

He always got too shy.

Even on the day we exchanged vows, he blushed all the way down his neck, and it took me holding his hand and coaxing him just to get him to say it once.

And on the day my labor went wrong,

he came in wearing sterile scrubs, his face covered in tears.

"Nellie, I love you. Please don't go, okay?"

"I don't care about the baby. I only want you."

So after I was discharged, he was the first to notice I'd fallen into depression.

His mother said something was wrong with me,

and told him to divorce me.

Felix waited for me to wake, and said it openly, without shame.

"She's not crazy. I will never divorce her, not in this lifetime."

I'd always thought that was the best love he had to offer,

even if it went unspoken.

"Are you done throwing your fit?"

But right now, deep in Felix's eyes there was only disappointment and exhaustion.

He looked at me standing in the wreckage across the floor,

strands of hair plastered to my forehead with tears.

Like he was looking at an actual madwoman.

All at once everything felt meaningless,

yet there was no one behind me holding me up, telling me to be careful, not to hurt myself.

Jade finally found her chance to speak.

"You… do you want to take your medicine first?"

"Or maybe I should just go. I, I know I'm in the way."

By the end her eyes had welled up, her voice catching a little.

Felix took hold of her wrist,

the concern in his eyes nearly spilling over.

Just then the nanny came over carrying the crying baby.

"Mr. Sanchez, the baby's crying again!"

I reached out on instinct to take the baby,

but Felix pushed my hands away.

"Go take your medicine first."

The baby was passed to Jade,

and one of them rocked it gently while the other wiped its tears.

To anyone watching, they looked like a couple in perfect sync.

And I was the outsider.

Somehow, shamefully, a cowardly urge to run rose up in me.

It was as though the whole world were watching me,

condemning me for being an unfit mother.

Before long the baby really did stop crying.

The baby blew bubbles and even made Jade laugh.

"Thank you, baby. Are you cheering up Mama Jade?"

The words were barely out when Jade caught herself,

looked up at me, cautious.

"I'm sorry, Nellie, I didn't mean anything by that just now…"

"You don't need to apologize."

The smile in Felix's eyes faded, and he gave me that weary look again.

"You'd make a better mother than some people."

I finally drew back the hand that had reached for the baby.

A year ago I struggled twelve hours on the operating table,

hemorrhaging, nearly dying to bring the baby into the world,

and in the end,

Jade, a woman who had never felt the pain of childbirth, was somehow more fit for it.

I walked out to the front doors alongside Jade, who was carrying the baby.

Cold rain swayed down outside,

Felix's car was parked right there,

and Jade got into the passenger seat with the baby.

"Take a taxi home. I've booked a checkup for the baby."

Felix dropped that line and drove off.

He didn't see Jade smile at me,

and he didn't see that I had no umbrella.

I looked down at the taxi app on my phone.

The nearest driver was fifty minutes away.

I canceled the ride and stepped out into the rain.

By the time I got home I was soaked through,

but I couldn't bring myself to dry off.

On my phone, Jade had put up a social media post.

Just a few simple words—Taking the baby for a checkup.

She'd snapped a photo of Felix from behind.

The first to like it was the groom's sister, the second was my mother-in-law.

The sister praised the baby for being cute, then asked.

"Have you blocked Nellie yet? Don't let her see this. If she finds out you never went abroad last year, she'll definitely lose it."

Sure enough, the next second the post vanished.

I stared at the black screen of my phone, at the reflection of a woman with lips gone deathly pale,

and, biting my lip, I turned the handle of the study door.